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The Howard Center for Human Services First Call for Children and Families |
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The Howard Center for Human Services First Call for Children and Families |
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First Call |
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THE EIGHTEENTH PRINCIPLE KNOWING WHAT YOUR SON IS UP AGAINST It is most difficult to be a young male in American society today. During 1997-98 there were nine murders by youthful male Americans at rural schools; in 1950 there were none. In 1999 two students at a Colorado high school murdered and wounded many of their peers. The level of violence by young American males is a serious concern for all. Many young males spend countless hours watching television, through which they observe at least one murder or violent act per hour. Increased access to weapons (especially guns), the media's unending contagion of violence, reduced parental supervision, and violent substance abusing adult male role models all influence American youth in very troublesome ways. We have also been off the mark by assuming that improved self-esteem would prevent adolescent deterioration in all areas: teenage pregnancies, school dropouts, substance abuse, depression, violence, and suicide. Unfortunately for young males, the self-esteem movement has aimed at enhanced self-image regardless of individual performance or behavior. This one-sided approach has led many youth into self-centeredness, disregard for others and pure narcissism. A great deal of self-medication occurs when a young male cannot sustain an exaggerated self-image or recover from the emotional pain of social rejection. We have also allowed the victimization syndrome to trap many young males; the society is changing, and when a young male fails to obtain what his emotionally needy self wants, he may become reactive from a victim's perspective. Meanwhile American society has increased the competitive demand, resulting in many "throw-away kids" in schools and on the streets. Act early to support your son's development.
HELPFUL HINTS FOR WORKING WITH SONS 1. When your son is still young, carefully monitor both time and content of TV use and movies. 2. Do not encourage the use of weapons, especially firearms. If you have weapons in the home, maintain them in a secure place, away from ammunition and always unloaded. 3. Do not support victimization tendencies in your son. When he is upset, listen to his story, show empathy for his feelings and maintain balance relative to blame. Be authentically supportive but absolutely realistic about responsibility for whatever has happened to him. Encourage him not to blame others for his situation. 4. If your son is using alcohol or drugs, act directly but calmly to alter this behavior. Behavioral disinhibition is a condition in which a person may carry out actions they might not have, had they been sober. It increases the likelihood of violence. Disinhibition develops and increases with intoxication. If there is no intoxication, there is no behavioral disinhibition. 6. At the first sign of your son's emotional over-reaction, when energy moves from (personal or social) disappointment to disdain or dangerousness, seek professional help. 7. If your son is already a concern regarding substance abuse or violence, seek out other parents who are dealing with the same problems. There truly is strength in numbers! 8. Work to support a reasonable self-esteem in your son. Do so by noticing and reinforcing any and all good actions observed in him. Do not build self-esteem if he is unwilling to cooperate in mastering positive social norms. Offer to help, offer to get him and yourself help, but do not support unwarranted enhancement of self-image when he is misbehaving. 9. Help your son develop a more balanced sense of responsibility (sometimes professionals call this locus of control). Do this by working directly with him in evaluating what self (internal locus) behaviors AND what situational/social (external locus) forces were at work leading to both positive and negative outcomes. 10. Observe your own modeling. What have you taught your son about what to do when the world or other people upset you? If you think you have modeled the correct responses, continue to do so. Encourage him to follow your lead. If you feel you may have inadvertently taught him how to blame and strike out at the world, get help to modify your own behaviors as soon as possible. 11. No matter what age your son is, offer him access to alternative, more humane and peaceful role models. Although these may be harder to find than you think, they are out there. 12. For young males, offer early experiences nurturing small animals. Some young boys learn either gentleness or violence through the ways they interact with pets and other animals. 13. Do whatever you have to do to keep your son from joining a gang. 14. Work with your school to increase curricular interventions dealing with social bonding skills, coping skills, stress reduction and alternatives to violence. 15. Consider joining a parents' support group. 16. Consider locating a slightly older, emotionally stable male mentor to help your son adjust to developmental problems. 17. Take a highly personal interest in having your son involved with positive adult male role models. 18. Always encourage and support your son in his losses and grief. It is the lack of emotional closure and healing in young American men that may be at the root of extreme aggression and violence against others. 19. Always help your son to find constructive and effective alternatives to violence. 20. When you can help him make decisions about peer groups, always support membership in positive peer groups.
HELPFUL SOURCES OF INFORMATION Seligman, M.E. P. The American way of blame. American Psychological Association Monitor (July, 1998), p. 2. Information from the United States Center for Disease Control -- Division of Violence Prevention. Shaping children's thinking. American Psychological Association Monitor (July, 1998), p. 34 Information from the Metropolitan Area Child Study, Chicago and Aurora, Illinois. Information from Boston University, School of Public Health, Community "Fighting Back" Programs. |
