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The Howard Center for Human Services First Call for Children and Families |
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The Howard Center for Human Services First Call for Children and Families |
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First Call |
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THE TENTH PRINCIPLE BUILDING RESILIENCY IN YOUR CHILD'S PERSONALITY Sometimes up to 10% of children in high risk situations ( weak in assets, negative family environment, negative peer modeling, etc.) still avoid experiencing serious problems in life. Most high risk youth who succeed in life have a positive (outgoing) disposition and various sources of (social and emotional) support. They also tend to be able to move on after adversity or failure. They do not become stuck after a specific negative life event. These children are said to have resiliency. Resiliency is an illusive characteristic in human development. However, it appears to be based on solid emotional bonding and attachment, healthy beliefs, clear standards and expectations, and personal skills ( ability to move on, prosocial orientation, good decision making and problem solving skills, balanced autonomy from and dependency on others, etc.). In fact, children and youth with strong resiliency tend to bounce back from problems in life time after time; they also approach life in a more positive and competent manner. To enhance resiliency, parents (along with schools and communities) need to provide models and training for caring support, moderately high expectations, consistent boundaries and meaningful participation in prosocial endeavors. Like asset building, resiliency development requires parents to provide caring support and gentle but firm corrective assistance to their children. The best place to build in "protective factors" is in the family of a developing child.
Documented resiliency skills and traits include the following: 1) Social competence -- interpersonal communication skills; 2) Social acceptance -- integration into family and peer systems; 3) Effective decision making and problem solving skills; 4) Balanced autonomy -- somewhat independent but still dependent on parents and significant others at home and school; 5) Clear sense of purpose and meaning in life; 6) Positive and optimistic attitude towards the future; 7) Capable coping and reductions in severe and chronic stress; 8) Positive attachment and bonding with significant others; 9) Positive, personal spiritual beliefs; 10) Positive social and familial developmental experience; 11) Reasonable sanctions against substance abuse; and, 12) Strong protective factors in family harmony, life success, pro- social peers and positive community values and norms.
HELPFUL HINTS IN DEVELOPMENT OF RESILIENCY 1. Become familiar with the concepts of moving on, setting clear expectations, prosocial activities and social competence. Any of these that you already possess represent good starting points with your child. Work on each area (or at least a few areas) noted below. Teach it, encourage it, model it and reinforce it. 2. Moving On: Each time your child encounters a difficult event in life, encourage and assist her/him to use the moving on skill. 3. Clear Expectations: Discuss the power of empathy for others with your child. Directly model it. Encourage use of empathy each time your child experiences a conflict in the family. 4. Prosocial Activities: Encourage your child to participate in prosocial activities like team sports, social recreation, scouts, friendships, and volunteering time and energy to a worthy cause. 5. Social Competence: Review communication skills in other sections of this book. Directly teach and reinforce effective communication skills. Require that personal and family communication be based on effective communication skills. 6. Directly teach your child how to use her/his mind to reduce emotional over-reactions to life's frustrations. The extreme need for full and complete acceptance from others is an ideal; your child needs to learn early how to cope with a sometimes unfair world. Using self statements like: "I can handle this" or "this too shall pass" may be helpful. It may also be helpful to redirect attention from negative situations to more neutral ones. 7. Anything you can do to support your child's positive experience in the family will be helpful. Work to avoid taking out your own emotional reactions on your child. Do not treat your child like an adult confidant -- she/he is your child and not a significant adult in your life. As the child grows older, more and more inclusion and emotional power in the realities of family life should occur. 8. Directly teach your child effective decision making and problem solving skills. Paying specific attention to typical problem solving steps allows better decision making. For example, follow the problem solving steps noted below. (1) Define the problem in objective terms. (2) Separate out objective from subjective (emotional) aspects. (3) Decide what the first concrete step should be. (4) Determine what resources and supports will be needed. (5) Think about the consequences of taking that first step. (6) Plan out the first step in two-to-three shorter steps. (7) Start the process and evaluate the outcomes. (8) If unsuccessful, go back to an appropriate step and start over. (9) If successful, congratulate yourself on your work.
HELPFUL SOURCES OF INFORMATION Benard, B. (1992). Fostering resiliency in kids. Prevention Forum, 12(3), 1-6. Oetting, E.R. (1986). Peer cluster theory. Journal of Counseling and Development, 65.
MORE ON RESILIENCY DEVELOPMENT (14) Resiliency building in schools is as important as resiliency building in families. Resiliency building is a solution-oriented approach in that it focuses on personal strengths and capacities to solve problems. It is a strengths-based view of child development. Supportive relationships and development of personal skills will enable a person to maintain emotional balance and carry on after experiencing severe stressors or crises. Successful resiliency building programs include six major characteristics.
1. Adult attitudes and relationships are positive so as to enhance prosocial bonding and social connectedness. 2. Clear and consistent boundaries are established. 3. Strengths-based life skills are taught directly. 4. Caring social and emotional support are provided. 5. High but realistic expectations are established and communicated over time. 6. Opportunities for meaningful personal participation and power sharing are provided.
ADDITIONAL HELPFUL HINTS ON RESILIENCY BUILDING 1. Apply the characteristics noted above in your interactions. (a) Include your child in positive social activities and decisions. (b) Identify one or two strengths your child has and establish them as starting points in problem solving. (c) Don't give up! Be there! When your child fails or loses emotional balance, stop and offer direct emotional support and concrete assistance. Do not force unwanted assistance on your child. Always stabilize yourself first. (d) Hold high expectations but make sure they are realistic and based on your child's personal strengths. (e) Involve your child often in meaningful activities and decision making. 2. Follow solution-oriented problem solving rules. Apply more attention, energy, emotion, time, and thought to your child's strengths. Use this focus to resolve conflicts and solve problems. Catch your child doing something right --often! 3. When you yourself are frustrated with your child's problems or behaviors, remember NOTHING ALWAYS HAPPENS! The problem should not be ignored but it should not take up all of your energy. Focus more attention on what happens in non-problematic times. 4. Work with school personnel to establish resiliency programs and alternatives in your child's school.
HELPFUL SOURCES OF INFORMATION Henderson, N. and Milstein, M. (1996). Resiliency in Schools. Thousand Oaks, CA; Corwin Press; American Medical Association (1997). Protecting Adolescents from Harm.; Resiliency in Action (Spring, 1997). |
